I was only dreaming....

I had yet ANOTHER dream about my childhood crush last night.

From the time that I was 7 years old I was madly in love with a boy a couple years older than me. Madly in love barely scratches the surface, I held a torch for this boy for so long that he is firmly embedded in my consciousness in a way that continues to baffle me to this day.

I knew it was love because there was no reason for me to have a crush on him, he was sullen and could be cruel, he wasn't the hottest guy I'd laid eyes on, he barely recognized my existence, he didn't really have many redeeming qualities (and what I've recently heard about him doesn't look like that has changed much in his adult life.) But regardless of all those things I wanted to be with him so badly that I asked him to go out with me over the phone at the tender age of 13. I knew it was a risky maneuver, but I had to know if he had secret feelings for me as well.

I'd had a couple 'boyfriends' by that time and thought I had figured it all out- he was simply more shy than I was. I'll spare you the suspense and get to the point, he said no. I was crushed. And from then on out I was painfully uncomfortable around him, I felt stupid and tongue tied, awkward.

The biggest bummer of all? Our families are very close. So we continued to have to see each other for years and it just so happened to be that right around that time that his family started teasing us about getting together and how cute it would be and all that kind of crap- of course never knowing that instead of merely annoying us or being cute they were rubbing salt in the biggest wound I had received at that tender age. It was horrible. I was constantly reminded of my temporary insanity.

It was the first and only time I ever asked a guy out but I have to tell you that I remembered so very clearly what that rejection felt like forever more. Through the years when a young man would approach me with hope in his eyes I was always kind and gentle when turning them down and would make a point to continue to be friends and make them feel as at ease about it as possible. Not like that jerk face who so bluntly and sarcastically turned me down! I guess we all need to know what rejection feels like.....

Ok, enough back story, there is the saga of the mean boy who got away. What baffles me though is that I continue to dream about him. And it's not few and far between, I'd say it's more like around 10 times a year! They are ALL sex dreams. We don't actually have sex every time but the dreams are brimming with sexual energy.

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across a recent picture of him (myspace, of course) and I'll just leave it at this- the years have not been kind to him. I had hoped when I saw that picture that I could leave him in the past and move on, now that I knew for a fact he was.......unattractive. Oh, and he has like 4 or 5 kids now as well.

But no.

He's still here, occupying my wet dreams.

This time we were just about to have sex and one of my good friends (who is also one of Tristan's best friends) walked in and confronted me. This is the first time that any thought of Tristan has eeked into these dreams. In the dream I realized that it would indeed be a bad idea if I were to have sex with him and that I didn't really want to, I just felt compelled. This seems like a big step forward, if I'm going to have sex dreams about some one I want it to be Tristan, or Johnny Depp or something, but not him!!! I'm done with the man for crying out loud! Maybe I'm over it for real now and am able to start seeing other people in my sexy time dreams!

Upon careful dissection and consideration this morning I've come to the understanding that it isn't him in particular that I'm dreaming of, it's some sort of attachment to the idea of him that is sexually exciting to me yet just happens to be linked to the actual memory of him.

I never know when he's going to pop back up, but here's to hoping he's down for good.