Who wants to have sex when you can fight instead?

Hello,

I'm back. I can't seem to wrap my mind around where to take this blog. Where to pick up, where to go, what to say. It's all very crafty and dubious when you are attempting to write a blog secretly while living with other people and using a shared computer. I feel the need to share, to reach out to this community that I am (sort of) a part of, it feels important to me to have this feedback and this anonymous place to clear out the stuff that can't go in the journals.

There has been an alarming lack of sex in my life lately. And just as alarming is the frequency with with Tristan and I have been fighting. I feel anything from raging blinding anger to sad indifference tinged with annoyance towards him lately. I know this cycle and I've seen it before- it's time for us to spend some time apart. We are nearly inseparable most all of the time and although I love the closeness we share and the love that has held us together through all of our trials & triumphs it does all get to be a bit much. There are certain issues we have that we just can't seem to resolve and after a fashion I just get so irritated with the same annoyances that I just can't get over it. It's like the irritation is a tiny spur that has worked it's way into my paw and every time I step on it I think of him. I know a lot of my problems with him are really a reflection of unresolved issues with myself (most all of our problems with people are) and I vacillate between feeling the need to get couples counseling and feeling like things are pretty OK. I know once we part ways for a chunk of the summer I'll forget all about all this petty crap and just wait and want and pine for him to return, I think I'm just ready for that to happen.

It's just too bad that we can't be the kind of people that have a heated argument and wrap it up with hot arduous sex. I've always wanted to be that person but having sex is the last thing I want to do when I'm pissed off. And when I'm irritated and feeling unappreciated I don't much feel like having sex either. Feeling like I'm only being approached for sex to supply him with an orgasm isn't high on my priorities either, and it sucks because I know he would be hurt to know that I feel that way some times but I don't think he is willing to consciously look at his approach and see how it would make me feel that way.

But, alas- it seems as though I will always be burying my feelings to spare his. It's the pattern we've established for a very long time now, it's doubtful it will ever change. For it to change I would have to actively recognize my feelings and voice them, explain them, stand behind them, make it all stick. But I haven't, don't and most likely won't. It's just too terrifying to be naked out there with my wounds open and gaping, with my emotions spilling out of the cuts. Most every time I begin to show these wounds and say the words that are choking my throat I'm sorry that I did and every time I swear I'm just going to keep it to myself in the future.

It might not be right, but it has gotten us this far when by all rights we should have ended this relationship years ago.